There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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