Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize