so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
