This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
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