How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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