I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
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