I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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