My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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