The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
