U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
