so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
