I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize