On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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