im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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