Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
