My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
