if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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