well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
