I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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