Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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