Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
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