i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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