When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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