I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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