youre lurking in front of me
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
