he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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