I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
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