Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
