u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize