I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize