Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Dicks are not precious.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
