It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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