yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
