Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Randomize
