That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Randomize
