His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
