i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Randomize
