i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Randomize
