i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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