I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
He? As in you personified your dick?
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
