Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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