i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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