If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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