I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Randomize
