The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
you traded sex for a burrito?
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
