some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize