I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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