The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
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