Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
