Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
