I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
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