I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
