Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
