I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
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