he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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