Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
