did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
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