I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
