i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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