If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
