They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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