He disabled his match.com account in front of me
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize